| Thursday, May 5th, 2005 |
| 3:22 pm |
Doubt colors the Ocean
the blistering sun beats down on me to smile at my inconvenience. now i know i sound like a mad man and the things i say just stand to push me away from what i want, but i feel like i have to stand up to you and say that sometimes it feels like i dont know anything at all. and i dont want self doubt. you know i'd like to say it once... not too loud because my throat is so sore for shouting it out. and i want to be calm and know about things.... but i'm standing at the edge of the ocean, and ominous waves are staring at me. i'm to blame for the future of me with a great lack of self-planning and so much of my bad posturing. so i ask myself what ever happened to my strong will and morals to match? they must have been dropped somewhere along the way with simple understanding and things like that. the black of the sea matches the black of the night. i am standing alone, and i'm the object of the ocean's spite. the blue in my face matches the blue of your heart. i'm sad she's cold and i cant even begin to try to start to fight the yellow coward that i'm hiding within. they all think i'm so confident just because i raise my chin to say that sometimes it feels like i dont know anything at all... and ominous waves are staring at me. i dont want to be a victim to all the things that i think. and i dont want to be so hard to meet. |
| Thursday, March 10th, 2005 |
| 2:52 pm |
That day she held the weight of eternity in the palm of her hand. Happiness was throwing himself at her feet, if only she'd look down and see. he screamed and clawed and cried for her affection, but she turned up her nose, for she thought happiness was perfection. that night he died, buried a thousand miles underground. All the tears of all the dying children in the world could not measure to her sadness on that lachrymose day. Now, trembling she turns to me. "why?" she asks, "why didnt you save me?". instead of an answer i held her close. i smothered her. i crushed her wings. now i live every day in tears, see how she limps? she will never fly again. |
| Tuesday, February 22nd, 2005 |
| 4:49 pm |
why cant actions be taken as actions anymore? why cant i say i love you or i hate you and be taken seriously? i cant even begin to understand the situation. do you find joy in slicing the surface of my skin? you can gouge away. i dont want this to affect my judgement. i dont want to scar your image, i want you to be the advocate, and i want to be the adversary. it's so much easier for me to just accept that i was wrong, only you can repent your own sins. i want to wallow in the despair of my unhappiness, if it will prevent this from happening again. from falling into the guise of affection. i used to be happily unhappy, but now it's always dismal |
| Sunday, February 20th, 2005 |
| 2:50 am |
why cant i ever learn? how could this ever turn out so horrible. i cant influence this situation in any way shape or form, i feel so completely useless. there's nothing i can do. i just have to sit here, and wait. wait and wait. for how long? hey. fuck off. |
| Thursday, February 17th, 2005 |
| 3:58 pm |
fin Current Mood:  depressed |
| Saturday, February 5th, 2005 |
| 12:26 am |
we did it all for don
Please tell me why we couldn’t stay Don’t let this feeling ever go away Let this memory forever be inside of me Through every hour of every day It’s with the company of these friends That we drove on through the night We were carried by the wheels of armageddon We’re gonna force ourselves to live Thankful it’s hurt more than we’ve ever felt It’s just our means to an end And honestly we were armed with our best intentions Maybe those intentions alone are just enough to get us anywhere but here In the middle of america Six cylinders will take us further than any president The same promises that we forgot the last time There’s no difference between staying and a bullet in the head Maybe it’s gonna come from the radio Or the next 8 hour day Driving to the next town A collect call home to your best friend We are the company we keep We could live off of dumpsters if we have to Sell our blood by the pint to make rent This kind of dignity doesn’t come easy But you’ll never find it for sale that's it right there. everything.. in a nutshell |
| Monday, January 3rd, 2005 |
| 2:44 am |
this morning i was a pancake, smothered in syrup. you'd think, who would want a pancake with no syrup? i cant think of anyone who'd prefer a syrupless pancake, that's just blasphemy. So if all you really want is the syrup... then why bother with the pancake in the first place? now mixed berry is my faveorite syrup. maples up there in a close second... but mixed berry just takes the cake. |
| Monday, December 20th, 2004 |
| 4:07 pm |
meteorologist predicts a tropical storm. heavy winds. possible flooding. high probability of turning into a hurricane. this time i have a lifejacket though. maybe i wont drown. but if i do... that's life, eh? Current Mood: apprehensive |
| Monday, November 29th, 2004 |
| 1:54 pm |
cataracts
do you really have to scold me all the fucking time? that's all i ever get. scolding. Making me feel worse about my unaccomplishments isn't going to make me accomplish more. it's going to make me want to lay on the floor in my room and cry until i'm no longer physically capable of tears. telling me every day that i've fucked over all chance of a future isn't going to make me determined to prove you wrong, it's just going to strip me of what little hope i had left. and nobody even cared until now. nobody ever noticed. she screamed for years before somebody stopped to think "hey what if she cant swim" and offer her a lifesaver. oh but jumping in would be too much. Can you swim? i know how confident you are, but if you're such a champ, then why havnt you gotten your feet wet? maybe the water is too cold. we'll just let her drown. i dont have a towel with me. wouldnt want to catch a cold now would we? we all know how contagious those are. Current Mood: manic |
| Saturday, November 20th, 2004 |
| 2:16 pm |
what, do i not fucking exist or something? |
| 2:49 am |
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| Friday, October 29th, 2004 |
| 4:02 pm |
i dont understand how in just 12 hours my entire fucking world can just come a-crashin down like it's fucking hurricane season smashed into a small increment of time |
| Monday, October 25th, 2004 |
| 10:47 am |
forsaken
and blatantly so. a chronic flood of nothingness. and so many others have said it better than me, but i cant help but feel the need to whine about it myself. i hate how everyone's personal sufferings seem to overpower everyone elses. i guess it makes sense, we are, afterall, the center of our own universes, and we can only feel our own pain. and i guess that's my answer right there. that's why people are forgotten and disregarded. so simple to not ever see. but even then, you have a cause but no solution. i dont even think there is a solution...scratch that whole solution bullshit. there will never be a solution. course of action, that's what i need. or i could just sit here in despair like i normally do, and whine about it to people who dont care... |
| Friday, October 15th, 2004 |
| 3:24 pm |
i need a fucking vacation. bad. Current Mood: sinking |
| Thursday, July 22nd, 2004 |
| 2:47 pm |
i'm sorry Current Mood: raging bitch. |
| 12:19 am |
blatantly forgotten
I dont understand how someone can forget what they were crying about for 4 hours. Did they even listen to a word you said? And just get upset because that's their faveorite past time? getting upset and blaming me... sounds fun! Or did you hear it, get upset about it for a couple seconds, then decide it was too unimportant to maintain your desperation? but did anyways because of the attention? i really dont understand you. |
| Sunday, July 11th, 2004 |
| 4:00 am |
i hate penises. if it werent for their penis guys wouldnt be all too bad... |
| Saturday, June 5th, 2004 |
| 11:23 am |
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| Wednesday, June 2nd, 2004 |
| 4:08 pm |
just when you think life starts to get okay again... crash and burn mother fuckers Current Mood: depressed |
| Wednesday, May 12th, 2004 |
| 4:02 pm |
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neurotichamster's journal
